Tag: corny

Welcome to the Punpedia entry on funny puns! 🤡 😂 😆 This is obviously a very broad category, so we’ve tried to cover as many of our bases as possible with this entry. We’ve got jokes, one-liners and silly pun images too.

While this list is as thorough and comprehensive as possible, it’s specific to funny puns. If you’re after related puns, we also have puns about puns.

Funny Puns List

Here’s our list of funny puns! We’ve mixed groups of one-liners and jokes together and interspersed these with visual puns. If you know of any funny puns that we’re missing, please let us know in the comments at the end of this page! We hope you enjoy our list of funny puns:

• I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
• A good pun is its own reword.
• Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
• How do you get Pikachu onto a bus? You Pokemon.
• What did Zelda suggest to Link when he couldn’t open the door? Triforce!

• The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
• How good are you at powerpoint? Because I excel at it.
• My math teacher called me average. How mean!
• Gravity jokes are getting old, but I fall for them every time.

• Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to mufasa.
• Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot.
• Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
• I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.
• Since I’ve quit soccer, I’ve lost my goal in life.

• I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
• I tried suing the airport for misplacing my luggage, but in the end, I lost my case.
• I felt lonely, so I bought some shares. It’s nicer having some company.
• There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator – and only a fraction of people will find that funny.
• The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

• I wanted to grow herbs, but I couldn’t find the thyme.
• The gym had to close as it just wasn’t working out.
• I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn’t in it.
• Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse replied “No change yet.”

• What’s so great about whiteboards? If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
• Geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at!
• The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
• I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

• I’ve been getting really claustrophobic in elevators, so I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.
• I saw an ad for a “radio on sale, $1, volume stuck on full”. I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
• I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
• I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
• I was inconsole-able when I lost my Playstation.

• If you need an ark, I noah guy.  
• I can’t stand Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
• England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomial.
• A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

• Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
• The cost of the space program is astronomical.
• No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
• How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presents.
• What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe? That’s mitosis.

• The chicken couldn’t find her eggs because she mislaid them.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• I can’t stand sitting down.
• “Elvis has died,” Tom said expressly. (Just in case you missed it – expressly = ex-Presley)
• Did you see the headlines this morning? “Man in boxers leads police on brief chase”.

• Mountains aren’t just funny – they’re hill areas. (hill areas = hilarious)
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
• I used to be a history teacher, but there was no future in it.
• Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses.

• My patience has stretch marks.
• I wasn’t able to make reservations at the library – they’re completely booked.
• I didn’t like having long nails, but they’re growing on me.
• If you know of any good fish jokes, let minnow.
• Be kind to dentists – they have fillings too.

• Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.
• I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
• How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
• I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
• Tennis players have a hard time in relationships because love means nothing to them.

• I thought my nose was bleeding, but it’s not. (it’s not = it’s snot)
• I hated my job at the fireworks factory. I got fired a lot.
• To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
• I love how the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.

• “The Rolling Stones are cancelling their show,” Harry said, disconcertedly.
• After the birth of your first child, your role in life will become apparent.
• I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.
• When I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.

• “I’m going to California!” Ben restated.
• I was working in a glue factory, but I couldn’t stick with it.
• What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
• If you’re thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet.
• I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time.

• “I’ve stopped wearing my wedding ring,” Terry said without abandon. (abandon = a band on)
• I went to a peanut factory last week. The experience was nuts!
• I would tell a history joke, but they’re too old fashioned.
• I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!
• What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

• Did you hear the one about the baker? It really takes the cake.
• The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
• I nearly drowned yesterday. It was a breath-taking experience.
• I had a pizza joke, but it was too cheesy.
• I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

• Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
• My friend really changed when she become vegan. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
• If you love boys and girls but are still single, I suppose you’re just meant to be bi yourself for a while.
• Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
• Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.

• It’s OK to borrow a book from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it.
• I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
• One-fifth of people are just too tense!
• What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
• I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

• A rubber band slingshot was confiscated in algebra class for being a weapon of math disruption.
• If Americans switched from pounds to kilos overnight, there would be mass confusion.
• “The grass is wet,” said Dan after due consideration.
• Odourless chemicals just don’t make scents.
• I used to be an electrician, but the pay was shocking.

• Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
• I used to hate facial hair, but it’s been growing on me lately.
• Our office defibrillator didn’t work. Nobody was shocked.
• These giant squid jokes are kraken me up!
• Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

• A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
• I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
• How do you throw a space party? You planet.
• Spring is here! I’m so excited, I wet my plants.
• Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

• My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
• Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!
• My housemate told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
• I’m positive I just lost an electron. Better keep an ion that.

• I googled “how to start a fire” and got 869,000 matches.
• 5 in 1 toys are Russian nesting dolls.
• People who can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can’t put into words.
• I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning…But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow.
• “You should leave,” Kevin pointed out.

• My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat. In the end, he came around.
• Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
• I was going to look for my missing watch, but I couldn’t find the time.
• What’s the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
• The thing about shopping centres is that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen a mall.

• “I’ve graded your test again,” Tom remarked.
• Velcro is a big rip-off.
• “I don’t have any flowers,” Tom said, lackadaisically.
• I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
• Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners, but catscan.

• How’s my long distance relationship going? So far, so good.
• I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
• A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of their sentence.
• When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
• “Bro, do you want this pamphlet?” “Brochure.” (brochure = bro, sure)

• I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
• If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it? Like, “I chlorofeel you man”?
• Julie Andrews refuses to wear cheap lipsticks, especially ones that crumble easily and have a bad smell. She explained that “Super coloured fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”
• I’m glad I know sign language. It can come in pretty handy!
• How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch? Tea, Rex?

• That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
• “Let’s embark on that journey again,” Sarah requested.
• I tried to call in sick because of diarrhoea, but I just got told to get my sh*t together.
• The patient broke her left leg, but she’s going tibia all right.
• The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

• My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
• An untalented gymnast walks into a bar.
• I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Whenever the library gets messy, the librarian says we ought to be ashamed of our shelves.
• The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!

• Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
• “Check out these bicycle wheels,” Jade spoke.
• I was going to donate part of my stomach, but I didn’t have the guts.
• How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
• Hearing about the haunted refrigerator was chilling.

• I learned about electricity today. it was lit.
• Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
• Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
• Puns about menstruation are not funny. Period.
• A dung beetle walks into a bar. “Is this stool taken?”

• What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus.
• Viagra shipment stolen. Cops looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
• The can crusher quit his job because it was soda pressing.
• I’ll do algebra, trig, and even statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line.
• Which way did the programmer go? They went data way!

• I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
• I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
• A friend asked if they could use a little space on my usb. I told them I wouldn’t mind one bit.
• To spell “panda”, you just need p and a.
• Stairs are useful, but elevators are really next level.

• I’m working on a machine that can read minds. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
• People tend to study gravity because it’s a pretty attractive field.
• A friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her that makes two of us.
• The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, “Divorce is strong with this one!”
• What do you call an imaginary colour? A pigment of your imagination.

• Archaeologists are always broke because their careers lie in ruins.
• When math teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
• Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
• The answers to my anatomy test were inside me the whole time.
• I wasn’t originally going to get a heart transplant, but then I had a change of heart.

• I’m having so much trouble getting a pair of camouflage pants; I can never seem to find any.
• My relationship with my chauffeur just isn’t going anywhere. It feels like he’s always trying to drive me away.
• I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter, “Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite”.
• Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
• “I only have spades, diamonds, and clubs,” Chris said heartlessly.

• Password looks at itself in the mirror: “Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
• Why can’t you take anything balloons say seriously? They’re always full of hot air!
• Coming up with weather puns is a breeze.
• My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me – or at least, sew it seams.
• How do you make a hotdog stand? You take their seat away.

• I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
• “Use your own toothbrush,” Darren bristled.
• The girl quit her job at the donut factory as she was fed up with the hole business.
• I love jokes about eyes – the cornea, the better.
• I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought, “Wow. This is ledge and dairy.”

• 6 was scared of 7 because 789. But why did 789? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 square meals per day!
• My wife tripped and dropped the basked of clothes she’d just ironed. I watched it all unfold.
• I’m managing my kleptomania pretty well. Whenever it gets bad, I take something for it.
• I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.
• Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.

• My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
• Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
• I decided to get some velcro for my shoes instead of laces, because why knot?
• I used to build stairs for a living, it’s an up and down business.
• Met a girl on a dating site and we just clicked.

• I got a reversible jacket for my birthday – can’t wait to see how it turns out.
• I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
• Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
• A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
• It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

• No matter how hard you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
• I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang, but it came back to me.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
• I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

• A teacher asks a student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?” The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
• I’m giving dead batteries away, free of charge.
• Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
• Running in front of a car will make you tired, but running behind one is exhausting.
• A life in politics is full of parties.

• What do you call a small mother? A minimum.
• When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• I hate negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
• Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
• People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.

• I had a joke about vacuums, but it sucked.
• I got a pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts. On one hand it’s great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
• I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it clicked.
• Apple is designing a new automatic car, but they’re having trouble installing Windows!
• I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares.

• I was on the toilet, angry and late for work. I thought to myself, “I don’t have time for this sh*t.”
• I really have to stop dropping things. It’s seriously getting out of hand.
• I once got into so much debt that I couldn’t even afford my electricity bills. It was the darkest time of my life.
• Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.
• Pollen is when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

• I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know why.
• Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!
• I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.
• To the person that stole my Microsoft Office license, I will find you. You have my Word.
• I have an intense fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!
• I listened to a song about the common cold. It was very catchy.
• A friend wants to give up being a postman to become a comedian, but his delivery is awful.
• The periodic table is elementary knowledge.
• When time machines are finally invented, people will be taken aback.

• For a fungi to grow you must give it as mushroom as possible.
• An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
• I finally got my book “How To Make Your Own Watch.” It’s about time.
• Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet? Because the “p” is silent!
• What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!

• How do construction works party? They raise the roof.
• I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
• I make terrible science puns, but only periodically.
• I got angry when my phone battery died. My counsellor suggested that I find an outlet.
• The invention of maths textbooks presented a lot of problems.

• I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
• Why are fish the easiest animals to weight? Because they come with their own scales.
• I started a business selling yachts in the attic. Sails are through the roof.
• The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s elf sufficient.
• Last night, I kept dreaming that I’d written Lord of the Rings. My wife said I’d been Tolkein in my sleep.

• I know a lot of jokes about cash machines, but I just can’t think of one atm.
• I was struggling to figure out how lightning works, then it struck me.
• I’m not sure how long my new couch will last, but sofa so good.
• I wouldn’t let my children go the the orchestra. There’s too much sax and violins.
• I’ve written a book about sandpaper. It’s a work of friction.

• I don’t usually owe gangsters money, but when I do it’s a matter of life or debt.
• Cleaning mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.
• A physicist and a biologist had a relationship, but there was no chemistry.
• What do you call a mean Egyptian ruler? Unpharaoh.
• I hope “Fast and Furious 10” is called “Fast 10: Your Seatbelts”

• Why did the angle divide its adjacent by its hypotenuse? Just cos.
• I’m not really in the mode for maths puns.
• The invention of drones really gave us a new perspective of things.
• Why does it cost so much to put air in tyres these days? Inflation.
• The invention of the wheel really got things rolling.

• My friend says they’ve been suffering from migraines for a long time, but I think it’s all in their head.
• On New Year’s Eve, make sure you have your left leg in the air so you can start the New Year on the right foot.
• Hey, are you the ocean? Because I think we mermaid to be together.
• My parents came out as antivaxxers. Their choices make me sick.
• Not all maths puns are funny…just sum.

• Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now when you mention botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.
• The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.
• Marriage proposals are so engaging.
• I broke one of my fingers at work today. On the other hand, everything is okay.
• Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

• I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
• Nothing tops a plain pizza.
• I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner since it was just collecting dust.
• The flower business is blooming!
• The invention of cards gave us a lot to deal with.

• If it’s cold, stay close to others. Otherwise you might feel a bit ice-olated.
• With great reflexes comes great response-ability.
• Thor: “I forgot where I put Mjolnir, but then it came to me.”
• What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
• Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

• Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
• I tried taking a high resolution photo of a rice field, but it turned out really grainy.
• I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself, “That’s the last thing I need!”
• Whenever I undress in the bathroom…My shower gets turned on!
• Architects are pretty good at coming up with concrete plans.

• Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
• I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
• Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
• I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite, but I accidentally picked 7 up.
• Do backward poets write inverse?

• I’m really good at being lazy. In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy I should expect atrophy.
• A man was accidentally buried alive. It was a grave mistake.
• Why did the chicken go to the seance? To cross to the other side.
• Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Why did the scientist install a knocker on his front door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

• Nuns wear the same outfit every single day. Must be a habit, I guess.
• My girlfriend thought I’d never be able to make a car out of spaghetti…You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta!
• I told my partner I felt like a deck of cards and they said they’d deal with me later.
• 6.30pm is my favourite time, hands down.
• I was fired from the keyboard factory for not putting in enough shifts.

• I’m pretty sure the hotel receptionist was checking me out.
• I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
• Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail? She got a full sentence.
• What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
• I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.

• I hear it’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods, but it’s harder to deter gents.
• Somebody stole all my lamps.…and I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
• Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
• What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi!
• This is my old recliner. We go way back.

• Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
• 19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
• There’s a new type of broom out. it’s sweeping the nation.
• Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? For drizzle.
• I was walking through a quarry…I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!” “Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!”

• I watched a documentary about how boats are held together… riveting.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said to the other, “You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.”
• I have a broken barometer that I need to sell. No pressure.
• Every calendar’s days are numbered.
• Two plates are sitting on a table. One says to the other, “Tonight, dinner is on me.”

• I mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.
• I was going to be a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patience.
• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
• What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Watah!
• A president with no thumbs is running unapposed.

• Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.
• What do you call a rapper who doesn’t follow their own advice? A hip-hopocrite.
• An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the men have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?” “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
• I, for one, like Roman numerals.
• What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowtain!

• Have you thought about taking the elevator? I hear it’s a step up from taking the stairs.
  • Pun indented
• Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.
• You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians! …Everyone.
•  What do wooden whales eat? Plankton.

• The Pentagon was originally going to be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners.
• A week after Mozart died, his ghost was discovered trying to erase his music. When asked why, it replied, “I’m decomposing.”
• What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu? Bird flu needs tweetment while swine flu requires oinkment.
• Is it me or are circles pointless?
• Why do dogs float in water? Because they’re good buoys.

• I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Someday I’m going to be awesome.
• We had an argument about which vowel is the most important. I won.
• What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
• Chinese takeout: $15.00. Fuel to get there: $1.50. Getting home to find out they’ve forgotten one of your dishes: Riceless.
• If your iPhone runs out of charge, does that mean you’re out of apple juice?

• Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar movie collection except for one – he’s never gonna give you Up.
• To whoever stole my broken bathroom scale, you’ll never get a weigh with it.
• I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.
• Did you hear about the thieves who robbed a theatre during a performance? They really stole the spotlight.
• If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

• Got a new job as a guillotine operator. I’ll beheading there shortly.
• I used to work at an unemployment office. When they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
• Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
• If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea, it becomes saltea.
• I’m trying to organise a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

• My friends and I have named our band “Duvet”. It’s a cover band.
• I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
• What do you get when The Doctor goes back in time and meets himself? A pair of dox (a paradox)
• I lost my partner’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
• Why didn’t Elsa’s parents teach her the full alphabet? They got lost at C.

• I got fired from my job as an Uber driver. It turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
• The first floor of my house is a complete disaster. The second floor – well, that’s a different storey.
• Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
• Just so everybody’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
• When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stair.

• Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
• A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone a round.
• I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
• What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
• As amazing as cliffs are, they’re often overlooked.

• What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
• How do you find WIll Smith after a blizzard? Just look for the fresh prints.
• Prison may be just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
• Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
• How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

• My partner’s name is David, so we named our son Harley. This way he’s Harley, David’s son.
• Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
• Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
• I tried to find a good skeleton joke for Halloween but none were humerus.
• I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

• What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
• Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
• Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
• I have a weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
• Why is “dark” spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

• George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie. George Clooney said, “I’ll direct.” DiCaprio said, “I’ll produce.” And McConaughey said, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”
• I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
• What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
• I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
• Why should you never fight a dinosaur? You’ll get jurasskicked.

• Do you believe in global warming? Because it would be a lot cooler if you did.
• What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re…
• Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
• Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing and he replied, “Just checking my balance.”
• I really dig archaeology, but astronomers are the real stars.

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